I can’t believe it’s almost been a year since I blogged last. Do any other bloggers go a long time without blogging and feel the little twinge of embarrassment? I do and OH WELL! Life in 2017 was a whirl wind to say the least.

1. I broke up with my boyfriend of about a year (on and off) during my last blog (January 2017), and it was extremely difficult to heal from that relationship. He was the “one” if he would have just decided to choose Jesus (for real… holla if you understand the difference between someone saying they fully follow and love Jesus, or when they just say they do!) So I broke up with him because his actions spoke different than his words and I knew my worth.
2. Usually I cut people out of my life EXTREMELY easily. Like scary easily, but with him it was not easy. It took me months and months and months to get over him, and right when I felt like I was good and free from the emotional tie to him, he texted me/wrote me a letter and left it on my door step to say that I’m the one and that he wanted to be with because he’s in love with me blah blah blah. Him and I have already had a back & forth relationship (the only relationship i’ve ever done this with, btw), so I was concrete in my decision to move on. I met up with him to tell him “no” and that if he ever felt the need to reach out to me, that he has to talk to my pastors and then my parents first.
3. More months went by of healing again after that (it was so hard, he was my best friend). And sure enough, he reached out to my pastor asking to speak with him. My pastor and I are good friends so I told him to not respond to my ex’s text. I was over it.
4. My best girlfriend is friends with my ex, so I found out during the summer that he told her he was going to wait to hear back from my pastor. Knowing this, I knew it was my fault that my ex would literally be waiting for nothing, as I told my pastor to not respond to him. So on the 4th of July, I met up with my ex to tell him to move on.
5. It was this day that he told me what he was doing through the church during these months apart from me. That he had dedicated his life to Jesus for himself (for real) and that he had never found so much joy in serving others and being part of a community that was like minded. He proceeded to blow my mind with his forever changed life, and said that he’s still in love with me. However, this time my heart and soul knew he meant it in the way I had always wanted and needed it to be given. It was so healthy and beautiful.
6. All of this was so hard to hear and understand because my soul wanted to be with him. My heart wanted him but my logical mind couldn’t get past our past and all the hurt that was tied within that. I talked to my mentors, friends, and family, and couldn’t make sense of my pain with the desire to be with him. I take everything like this so extremely serious that it was truly life or death. I couldn’t think of anything else all week but than to figure out if I should allow him back into my life as a friend, or to say no completely.
7. And then God said to wait. So I did. I waited and naturally, God allowed my ex and I to become friends again, but in a brand new way. No more darkness. We were cautiously being friends, and my heart was learning again. I made sure to check in and rely on what God was teaching me throughout all this, and then BAM! Jordan got in a motorcycle accident on August 28th, 2017 at 12:00pm.
8. The first month in the hospital went by with the idea that he was going to lose his leg. Surgeries after surgeries, and multiple dressing changes a day became the new normal. The heart God immediately gave me on the day of his accident to serve him and stay by his side no matter what was easy for me to be. I wasn’t to leave his side. I was there to be (in my opinion) a better nurse than half the nurses we had. Changing the dressing on his basically inside out leg, seeing pieces of his leg die off, and having to hurt him to make him better was life changing. All while being taught how to be a joyful loving christian in a moment of hell on earth.
9. A long story shortened, by the miracles of God, through the two months we were in the hospital, God told both of us clearly that we were going to be together for life (or at least until he gets in another motorcycle accident and dies… JK!) Too morbid? Maybe haha. But he got to keep his leg!
10. After we were released from the hospital for good, the struggle of life began. Life in the hospital was simple compared to being a cripple in Los Angeles. Anxiety set in DEEP for me, and I couldn’t handle anything anymore. I had been in “fight” mode in the hospital for two months that my adrenaline had depleted and I couldn’t fight for my life in the little things anymore. Everything took me over and anxiety attacks set in.

I’m happy to say that after about a month of that, I no longer have anxiety! OKAAAAYY JESUS! It’s time to live my life fearlessly again, with my best friend by my side who will love me until the end of the earth, and then in heaven after that! Jordan Ray Landers is his name, so go say hi to him on Instagram at @jordanraylanders.

How was your 2017? Take time to reflect. It might help you make new goals for 2018! Thanks for stopping by! Go check my Instagram @stylebybreedlove if you want to see what’s going on in my life, and what I’m wearing!

-Breed style, Breedlove.